Some days are diamonds; some days are rocks

Some days are diamonds. Some days are rocks. Johnny Cash said this to Tom Petty and then he put it in a song " Walls". That's how things go with my anxiety. Some days I nearly forget that it is a factor affecting my life and the day is an absolute gem while other days feel overwhemingly like rocks. The gems are easy to take. Things work out, and I enjoy the activities of the day, living a normal life. Then the rocks come. Everything I touch seems to turn to shit and I find myself dropping things, breaking things, getting really confused about how to do something, almost like my IQ drops that day. My coping skills retreat and I find myself crying over the smallest things that certainly do not require crying. It is often secondary anxiety. Something has frustrated or upset me and the moment I recognize this, I become anxious and waves of panic roll in. The panic is not rational. I fear very little in this world, so the panic often makes no sense to me. Things that I used to be very comfortable doing will overwhelm me. Sometimes I can put my shit on a shelf and power through the task, while other days I just crumble right there, and shove everything out of sight so I don't have to look at it. Then I get upset because I got upset. The cycle whirls and continues and I wonder if things will ever go back to how they used to be. Then I struggle to remember how they used to be. This upsets me all over again and so on. 

Distraction works well for me when I find myself down the rabbit hole. Binge watching Netflix or other downloaded stuff is often my first instinct. It's easy, and requires very little from me. I cannot read when I am stressed out. I do not have the ability to focus enough for reading when I am choking down anxiety. If my anxiety is particularly high, I can only watch reruns of things I have already seen and so do not have to concentrate too hard on in order to follow what is happening. I used to really enjoy going for a walk, but walking leaves me with too much time to let my mind wander. Having too much time to think can sometimes overwhelm me and I wish for a task that could keep me busy, distract me, and help me relax. Of course, I have to choose a task based on my energy level that day. Some days I can climb the Great Wall, while others I am lucky I can cross the floor for a drink of water. Fibromyalgia is like that. The doctors tell me all the time that exercise can only help, but when you don't have the energy to even comprehend the potential activity, it becomes less and less likely to even happen. I'm a star at talking myself out of doing things now. I used to on top of every task, every chore. Now I have days where I dread doing anything, and then other days where I want to do them all but run out of steam. 

I feel like my brain is foggy some days. I wonder if that simply means I need to take a break from heavy thinking and just be, just rest, just relax and unwind. After being a multitasking social worker for so many years, it is a bigger challenge to slow down and do one activity at a time. People tell me I need to be more mindful. They are probably right. I'm exhausted now and just want to shut everything off and go to bed. I wonder if tomorrow will be a diamond or a rock?  I bet Johnny Cash and Tom Petty are jawing about it together.