Helplessly Falling

It has been a rough week. I received a letter stating my employer does not feel that my work was stressful because I was not a front line worker and had been a social worker for 16 years. They are asking for a review of my WCB claim and feel it must be overturned. So this means my employer is unaware of vicarious trauma, which is so very interesting considering I talked about it ALL the time at my office as my cases continued to distress me. It is not a new concept, and has been endorsed in pretty much all social work programs, so what the fuck? Then today I was awoken by a phone call from my employer that my Long Term Disability (LTD) claim has been denied because it was an existing condition. Which it was not, considering I was only diagnosed a few months ago, AFTER I had been off work, not before. They tell me it is because it is related to my existing condition. Oh, so that means if I broke my leg four years ago and then break it again at my current job, it is considered an existing condition? 

So where does this leave me. Well, I will be appealing both decisions. My employer has requested a review of my WCB claim as they do not agree with it, and do not think my work was stressful, therefore how could it possibly affect me? Sigh. If the claim is overturned, I am cut off immediately from wage loss payments and psychological therapy sessions. They are so heartless.

In another department, they have denied my LTD application, so I can appeal that in front of three doctors. Without LTD I am also without medical and dental benefits. So I will have to pay for my medications again, MSP (premiums) and forget any future dental work. I am hoping my Union can represent me at both. I am told by everyone involved that both decisions are pretty standard and to be expected and that most workers do win and that they feel I have a solid claim. This does nothing to make me feel better.

So here is my issue - why must they torture me at all? I have been crying and upset all week, with panic rising every time I think about it, and the resurgence of panic attacks after several weeks without. I thought I had been doing so very well with my therapy sessions and making progress, and we had even begun to start thinking about my return to work after Christmas. Now I feel like I have been reset to the beginning of this whole nightmare and that there is no end, and very little hope of recovery. It seems like every single time I make any small gains, my employer does something else to torture me and create even more anxiety. Clearly they do not wish me well and have proven to be simply heartless. Someone is driving this mission to stomp on me and I think it is such a betrayal by a field where we should be looking out for one another. 

I don't know what to do next. Honestly - should I just give up here and start looking for a new job completely outside of my field? Like digging ditches? Walmart is hiring...

I can see why people do give up. I have been hoop jumping for a year and being pushed down again and again by my employer. Why on earth do I even want to work for them? I wanted some job security, good benefits, and a good pension when I finish up. I thought I was working in a field where I could make a difference but I am continuously reminded at each and every turn that working for government doesn't work that way. 

They wonder why there is such high staff turnover in social work positions, particularly within child welfare agencies. It is because the work is brutal, workers are undermined by terrible managers, unsupported much of the time, and caseloads are far too high to be remotely manageable. Nothing is done to retain a worker, and if something tragic happens, they tend to cut you loose, and step on your fingers each time you try to go back. I just don't believe in the work any longer. Along with the stress of the generations of abuse and neglect that I read about in those case files, I read about so many terrible government decisions that traumatized the children further so many times. I've read many reviews of child welfare, but it seems that little really changes, and while it might look good on paper, it is a completely different story behind the scenes. 

So what's next? Well, my advocates will help with the appeals and I guess I'm looking for a new job. Teaching English as a Second Language, perhaps. I have to do something.