Coping Capacity

For the most part, I am able to cope with everyday life. It's when something does not go as planned or becomes too complex to comprehend at the time. I can quickly unravel and find myself yelling and swearing, slamming stuff around, stomping through the room or my RV. I shake and shudder, convinced I will never be able to figure something out. I turn ugly to the person on the phone I might be trying to sort something out with. So my coping capacity is minimal. I can manage my everyday life in that I can feed, clothe, bathe, medicate without any real issues. If I have to do anything with paperwork, particularly related to work, I unravel like a cheap suit hooked on a car door. If I can make a quick exit, that is usually my choice, but often I feel trapped and so whoever is close by will get it, whether it's the checkout girl, the person on the end of the phone, or someone who cut me off in the car. 

Being scolded is another. I had hauled my sewing machine and all the stuff I was working on to finish up two quilts. I needed to use their dining room table to spread out the quilts while I pinned the layers together. I had finally finished pinning the last stitch lines of the last quilt and my daughter asked me to finish it another time when she was at work. I had been at it for 8 hours and had about 10 minutes of sewing left to do. I tried to explain it to her, but then didn't want to fight about anything and I just packed up and went to my RV where I had a panic attack. Crying, sobbing, feeling so stupid for being such a cry baby, muttering to myself, swearing, and the cat didn't know what the hell was going on. Sigh. It was not my daughter's fault. It was not my fault. It is simply my limited ability to cope with any stress at all. 

I found out a few moments ago that my WorkSafeBC claim has been accepted, so that was good news. I had gone for a psychological assessment in Surrey a couple of weeks ago and diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder and Anixety. They will start paying me a nearly full wage instead of the lower amount I am receiving from my employer. There is still paperwork for them to complete before the payments start but having a decision was the big thing I was waiting to hear about. Hopefully I will have payments by the end of June, if not before. Apparently they need income information from my employer - who knows how quickly they will return it. They have been screwing up my sick leave pay since I've been off. Over paying, then underpaying, then double deductions, and so on. I have to call them all the time to sort it out. 

So the battle for good mental health continues. Sometimes I am in control. Sometimes I am not. I'm alive and surrounded by people who love me. Life is better than many. 

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