Candle Nazi Camping

Ugh.. So I decided to take a friend and her partner and three kids camping this weekend to Goldstream Provincial Park. The park is beautiful and so close to the city where we live and we love coming here. Until this trip when the candle nazis decided to start harassing me. So there is a fire ban on as of noon yesterday. That means no campfires or open burning. Fine, I get that. However propane fire pits are permitted. We don't have one, no big deal. So we decide to light some candles to light up the campsite since it is so dark here in the woods. We asked when we checked into the campground if we could use candles and were told yes, they were not part of the fire ban. Then last night, a power tripping park staff guy came down to tell us to put out the tea lights I had sitting on my STEEL BUMPER over a LARGE GRAVEL PAD. I was pissed as we had asked and I have always been able to use them at this campground every summer, all summer long, fire ban or not. But not last night. So fine, I blew out the bumper candles. He saw candles on our coffee table (where normally we would be crowded around a fire pit) and said nothing about those ones as they were contained within a candle glass. I took issue with him picking a fight with me about the stupid tea lights as it did not make sense. There is a CAMPFIRE ban on, not a candle ban. The folks across the way had a huge propane fire pit burning all night which I would think is WAY MORE DANGEROUS than a handful of enclosed candles. Park staff jerk said I could take it up with his manager tomorrow if I wished and I told him sure, send him right over and I'll explain to him how stupid he sounds. 

So tonight, we had candles on the coffee table again all night, no issues, until 11:45pm as I had already turned in for the night and my friends were finishing their last drink and going to bed, park manager asshole shows up to tell me off about the god damn candles we had lit again. The same candles that were fine last night were now not fine. I just lost my shit altogether. Like seriously lost my shit. I came unglued and started throwing the candles on the ground, daring them to cause a fire. Of course, any idiot can see, when an enclosed candle is tipped over - what happens? It GOES IMMEDIATELY OUT. Of course dumbass could not understand this. My volume when up as my frustration at this jerk increased. I wanted to throw the goddamn candles right in his fucking mouth so he would shut the fuck up about the candles. Then he took out his phone and started scrolling through a list of text messages to read me some stupid part of someone's policy about what constitutes a campfire or such bullshit. He kept telling me to keep it down. It was too late. My anxiety horse was already charging full steam ahead, looking for blood. It was such an arbitrary issue, but for some reason, being harassed by park staff two nights in a row, I was done. If I wasn't camping with other people who depended on me to bring them home, I would have stormed out of here moments later, roaring through the campground. Instead I continued to rant and rave, stomping around, throwing wax off my hands and kicking about my candles. I don't even know what else. Then I came into the camper and slammed the door, swearing and carrying on like a mad woman while he continued to talk to my friends outside, clearly pacifying them and trying to explain his lame position. I had no capacity to hear him without going off. I told him if he was done, I would like him to piss off and leave us alone. There are no more candles to light, so get lost. Then I stomped around the camp site back into my RV and slammed shit around and swore like a fucking sailor for the next hour. I washed all my dishes and by the time that was done, my friends were cowering in their tent, trying to forget the awfulness of what had just occurred, I'm sure. So I took my flashlight out, picked up all the candles I had thrown to the ground, and then smashed them into the bear-proof garbage can, LOUDLY slamming the lid then stomping back into my RV. 

Why am I telling this camping story on this blog? Well, I can't believe how little capacity to cope I have these days. Clearly I cannot return to work while things like this set me off like a crazy person. As the social worker working in child welfare and domestic violence, I have been the person who confronts others. Now I come unglued about a few candles and make an absolute ass of myself in front of my friend and her family. I can't even apologize as I can't admit that I am even sorry about my outburst. I really wanted to throw those hot candles in that guys face to make him shut his pie hole. My boiling point is very low I guess. I don't think he knew what hit him. I could have talked to him civilly and explained calmly why I thought he was being stupid and misinterpreting the fire ban, but instead I exploded like the Incredible Hulk into a screaming banshee. Not a shining moment, but seems to be par for the course these days. I was talking to my doctor yesterday as we filled out the Long Term Disability forms about how my current health is affecting my daily life. For the most part, I don't want to be around people at all right now but for some reason I keep offering to spend time with people, to go camping, to have them visit me in the RV, and so on, wanting life to be normal again, but I don't know if life can be normal right now, or will ever be again. 

I miss having a sanctuary to retreat in. I thought my RV could be one, but it is getting harder and harder to find any peace and quiet where people leave you the fuck alone. I'm exhausted and so tired of my situation. I am frustrated with how long my recovery is taking with so little gains, if any at all. I feel like around any corner, catastrophe is waiting for me. The potential is definitely there. I miss the old, confident me. I do not like this scared and crazy person that I seem to have morphed into. I don't belong anywhere, and nowhere is home. And I still want to punch that fucking park staff. Of course, I would never resort to physical violence and haven't struck anyone in anger since about 1981 when I got into a fight in high school with a girl who was bullying and stalking me. We became friend after that fight. God I'm tired.