When Things Unravel

It has been a couple of weeks of stressors for me again. I just don't have it in me to put up with much when things become too complex, do not go as planned, or someone says the wrong thing to me. Bam. Who is this person? I asked the dental assistant why she was such a bitch after things began to unravel with her. I have high anxiety about dental work, always have, and in the past year, ridiculously so, but they sedate me now and I can usually manage that. Well I went in for the exam to see what was causing my dental pain and I had lost at least one or two recent fillings. This new DA proceeds to shove in the X-ray apparatus in my mouth, no warning, just jamming it in there as a gag and tell her it is too big, and that they usually use a smaller one with me because of that. She told me those are just for children, not grown ups. Excuse me? You use the size needed for the space available. So I was a bit upset about that chiding from a complete stranger (I had never seen this one before) and began thinking about the work to come and my anxiety started to creep in there, so I began crying, which is not usual for me at the dentist, and certainly not unsustainable these days when things trigger me. Well the DA comes back around with the smaller apparatus and saw that I was crying and demanded to know why I was crying, as if I had done something wrong. I explained that I have anxiety about my dental work. DA then said well maybe if you took better care of your teeth, you wouldn't be here. WHAT THE FUCK? So I asked her why she had to be such a bitch and jumped out of the exam chair and said I'm done with her. She said she wasn't a bitch. I then went back out to the front counter and told the receptionist that I still needed to see someone but that it wasn't going to be her. Then I saw my regular DA and she was her usual cheerful and caring self, never making me feel like an idiot or a small child, just recognizing that I have anxiety about dental work, which is why they sedate me in the first place. Clearly the first DA didb't even read my file. Sigh. So I felt off for the rest of the day, cranky, crusty, teary eyed ,and so on. 

I have also been dealing with payroll issues for many months and finally met with my Union rep to file a grievance. They keep paying me incorrectly, sometimes overpay, then underpay, then claw back too much, then pay me random amounts for hours I did not work, shorted me my stat holidays, and so on. I have also been waiting for months for my WCB payments to start, as I filed my claim in February, and they approved it about 3 weeks ago. What this has meant to me is that in chasing up what is happening and why the payroll errors, I am now roped into engaging with several people related to my job at a time when I am trying to forget about work and carry on with my recovery. What it also means is that without the better wage from WCB and the shortfalls on my pay checks one fortnight after the next, I cannot plan anything. I did not plan on spending the entire summer in the parking lot here, and preferred to find some peace and quiet in the woods and on the beach here on Vancouver Island. I just need to get some rest and it's difficult to do that here in the city when I have to be on the phone, or responding to emails, and filling out more and more paperwork nearly every day. I have always stressed about money, but this is just ridiculous as I do not have the capacity to sift through all the messed up entries on my paystubs to make sense of them, so I am leaning on my Union rep to sort that out for me. 

I was on my way to my psychologist appointment this week and had to walk around some road construction and sidewalk improvements. At one point I had to find a way to a lower parking lot by jumping over a concrete barrier between a narrow ledge. Not being very sure footed these days, I went to duck under the barrier to scoot around the hedge at the end, where there was a clear path to do so without interfering with any of the project or in any danger. Some fucking guy standing there decided to grab me by the arm and stop me - WHAT THE FUCK? He wasn't a worker as he had running shoes on, plaid shirt, no hard had, etc He said "oh no you don't" and tried to pull me back. I nearly fucking lost my shit with him. Not wanting to be late for my appointment I simply told him to get his fucking hands off me and I ripped my arm from his grasp. I continued to swear like a sailor as I went on my way, and flipped him the bird. I was quite upset when I got to my session though so spent a good deal of time debriefing the incident - let's call it what it was - an assault. Any unwanted touch can be considered an assault. I certainly did not want that asshole to touch me. I think about what might have transpired if I had turned around and throat punched the jerk, but I knew it would solve nothing and only create more trouble. I do think about that punch just the same...instead I did what I had always told my clients to do for years - report it to police. So after my session, I was on the bus just going by where it happened and the guy was still there. We were stopped in traffic so I took his photograph. Then I went directly to the police station to report it. I waited for a couple of hours for someone to take my statement but they were busy so I went back to the RV. I had been sitting there crying most of the time, and that wasn't helping me in any way. A female constable came by later that night and took my statement. I felt better after that, but still anxious and replayed the incident  a million times over in my mind since then. 

Then there was the guy who drove his double dump truck into a short piece of road between two stop lights where he clearly did not fit and blocked the whole entire crosswalk that I was about to go on, blowing past me through a red light to get there. The second dumper was over the crosswalk and nearly into the street. There was no skirting along the rear of it unless I wanted to get hit by a car at high speed. So I stomped on over to the truck driver and pounded on his door and let him have it. He said "can't you see how long I am" and my response was that I did and wondered why he raced through a red light to stop somewhere he did not fit? He denied the red light. I was still pissed off and shaking so just flicked my hand at him and stomped off again. 

Then I was at an O/T appointment and it was not going well as she was completely hopeless and was doing terrible at reading my body language, listening to what I was saying, and understanding what I needed from her. From her stupid blow out the birthday candles, to useless crrap about sleep hygiene from the internet that she proceeded to read off the page, all the while declaring it probably won't help with me, and then continued on with it. I was visibly upset as I had attempted to tell her how my week had been as she has asked but did not respond at all to what I had told her. She continued to patronize me, sputtering out platitude after platitude, and reading from her dumb handouts. I wanted to shove those papers right in her pie hole. Of course I did not. I have not hit anyone in anger since I was a young teenager, more than 35 years ago. So I did what I seem to do best - told her it was going in the toilet and I stomped out of the appointment. I went right out and bought a pack of smokes and at Tim Hortons and called a friend. I was finally stable enough to get on the bus and head home. While I am on the bus, doesn't this O/T person call me to apologize. I try to tell her that I am on a public bus and I cannot hear her and it is not very private. She acknowledged this but then continued to talk and talk until I told her I will have to talk to her later, and need a few days, and hung up on her while she was still talking, and not listening to me. Sigh. Fuck you. 

So my anxiety has been high most every single day for several weeks now. What does that look like is what I am often asked - well, my stomach is doing flip flops, my chest feels tight, sometimes I catch myself holding my breath, headaches, dizziness, unable to sleep as I can't shut my mind down and keep replaying certain events over and over and over again. And crying, always lots of crying, followed by sore and dry reddened eyes for the rest of the day. Sometimes I am very limited in the everyday tasks if something goes awry like dropping and breaking something, making a mess, or trying to do what should be a short simple task on my computer or iPads and that often turns into a big production that overwhelms me. If a situation triggers me, I often cut and run, often without explanation. Left my camping trip last week like that. Got fed up listening to one of our friends (the friend bit is debatable at this point) and the sound of someone using a gnerator at the next site and I was off. Went and sat in my RV crying the rest of the night and left in the morning without a word. I couldn't discuss it with them, so just needed to get the hell out of there. Thankfully the drive home was short as we were only camping just out of town. 

I fear I have become the bitch. My capacity for coping with any stressors is just not that high. I need to find out how to get that back. So far I have not yet alienated anyone, but I don't feel I can talk to most of them about my shit as they either won't understand, or I don't want to burden them with my shit when they have their own they are dealing with. 

My recovery has been very slow and confusing. I feel very little progress has been made. I told my psychologist that I need to talk to her more often if possible so we will try and squeeze a bit more into each week. Maybe that will help. Something needs to. In the meantime, I am trying what I can to balance all that negative shit with some positive stuff. I've hung out with friends several nights this week, and went to the park one day, and to the lagoon yesterday. I've treated myself to special desserts a few times, and went to lunch with a friend. It all helped. 

These pic are from the Esquimalt Lagoon. I just love going there.