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Helplessly Falling

It has been a rough week. I received a letter stating my employer does not feel that my work was stressful because I was not a front line worker and had been a social worker for 16 years. They are asking for a review of my WCB claim and feel it must be overturned. So this means my employer is unaware of vicarious trauma, which is so very interesting considering I talked about it ALL the time at my office as my cases continued to distress me. It is not a new concept, and has been endorsed in pretty much all social work programs, so what the fuck? Then today I was awoken by a phone call from my employer that my Long Term Disability (LTD) claim has been denied because it was an existing condition. Which it was not, considering I was only diagnosed a few months ago, AFTER I had been off work, not before. They tell me it is because it is related to my existing condition. Oh, so that means if I broke my leg four years ago and then break it again at my current job, it is considered an existin...
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Candle Nazi Camping

Ugh.. So I decided to take a friend and her partner and three kids camping this weekend to Goldstream Provincial Park. The park is beautiful and so close to the city where we live and we love coming here. Until this trip when the candle nazis decided to start harassing me. So there is a fire ban on as of noon yesterday. That means no campfires or open burning. Fine, I get that. However propane fire pits are permitted. We don't have one, no big deal. So we decide to light some candles to light up the campsite since it is so dark here in the woods. We asked when we checked into the campground if we could use candles and were told yes, they were not part of the fire ban. Then last night, a power tripping park staff guy came down to tell us to put out the tea lights I had sitting on my STEEL BUMPER over a LARGE GRAVEL PAD. I was pissed as we had asked and I have always been able to use them at this campground every summer, all summer long, fire ban or not. But not last night. So fine, ...
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When Things Unravel

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It has been a couple of weeks of stressors for me again. I just don't have it in me to put up with much when things become too complex, do not go as planned, or someone says the wrong thing to me. Bam. Who is this person? I asked the dental assistant why she was such a bitch after things began to unravel with her. I have high anxiety about dental work, always have, and in the past year, ridiculously so, but they sedate me now and I can usually manage that. Well I went in for the exam to see what was causing my dental pain and I had lost at least one or two recent fillings. This new DA proceeds to shove in the X-ray apparatus in my mouth, no warning, just jamming it in there as a gag and tell her it is too big, and that they usually use a smaller one with me because of that. She told me those are just for children, not grown ups. Excuse me? You use the size needed for the space available. So I was a bit upset about that chiding from a complete stranger (I had never seen this one bef...
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Coping Capacity

For the most part, I am able to cope with everyday life. It's when something does not go as planned or becomes too complex to comprehend at the time. I can quickly unravel and find myself yelling and swearing, slamming stuff around, stomping through the room or my RV. I shake and shudder, convinced I will never be able to figure something out. I turn ugly to the person on the phone I might be trying to sort something out with. So my coping capacity is minimal. I can manage my everyday life in that I can feed, clothe, bathe, medicate without any real issues. If I have to do anything with paperwork, particularly related to work, I unravel like a cheap suit hooked on a car door. If I can make a quick exit, that is usually my choice, but often I feel trapped and so whoever is close by will get it, whether it's the checkout girl, the person on the end of the phone, or someone who cut me off in the car.  Being scolded is another. I had hauled my sewing machine and all the stuff I was...
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Some days are diamonds; some days are rocks

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Some days are diamonds. Some days are rocks. Johnny Cash said this to Tom Petty and then he put it in a song " Walls". That's how things go with my anxiety. Some days I nearly forget that it is a factor affecting my life and the day is an absolute gem while other days feel overwhemingly like rocks. The gems are easy to take. Things work out, and I enjoy the activities of the day, living a normal life. Then the rocks come. Everything I touch seems to turn to shit and I find myself dropping things, breaking things, getting really confused about how to do something, almost like my IQ drops that day. My coping skills retreat and I find myself crying over the smallest things that certainly do not require crying. It is often secondary anxiety. Something has frustrated or upset me and the moment I recognize this, I become anxious and waves of panic roll in. The panic is not rational. I fear very little in this world, so the panic often makes no sense to me. Things that I used to...
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Finding Space

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I thought a new blog was in order to write about more personal things than my travels and the misadventures of my cat. This space will be for me to write about my recovery from PTSD, and talking through my need for change as a social worker. I have always found comfort in writing about things, some on paper, and some on my blogs. Since my first blog in 2003, I have changed and evolved how and what I wrote on the many blogs that I have carried for years. Only two are current now - this one and my adventure blog. The others are still available, but they will have no new pots. So here is the space for social work, burnout, mental health, vicarious trauma, and who knows what else. I plan to write and possibly try my hand at video blogging (vlog). People often need to connect with a face in order to take in the message, so I want to give it a try and see how it goes. Comments are moderated. Spammers will be blocked. Be kind to yourself and others. Peace out. Sunset at Jordan River
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